It's not something I ever really talk about or dwell on but after reading an amazing post on facebook today which summed up perfectly how it feels, I finally feel I can talk about things.
I don't really have parents, well I do, but I haven't seen them for seven years now. It's a long story and for a long time I've felt ashamed of that but since becoming a mum myself I now no longer feel ashamed. I just feel incredibly hurt that a parent could treat their own child in such a way and not want them in their life.
That hurt doesn't ever go away. I thought it would once I was pregnant, it didn't. I thought it would once our little girl was here, it didn't. If anything it got a lot worse in the first few weeks of her life and I really struggled with that (the post pregnancy hormones really didn't help)
If anything it made me question their behaviour even more and I can honestly say I've never felt so lonely in all of my life. Yes, I have fantastic friends, in-laws and an amazing husband but sometimes you just want your mum.
I loved our daughter even before we knew she was going to be a little girl. From the moment I saw that blue line I was in love and knew I would never ever make her feel the way my parents made me feel.
I grew up feeling like I was never good enough or anything to be proud of. And that has made me doubt myself a lot since becoming a mummy, but you know what I'm doing ok. Our daughter is just the happiest little girl and a bundle of fun (she has her moments and because she's usually so happy I found it incredibly hard when she was poorly) and I'm going to take some credit for that.
I'm finally moving on and feeling happy with myself and my life and that's their loss, not mine.